no place but here

I have to have some place to let it go and this is the only place I have so...

The past 2 years have sucked. Plain and simple. We have been moved twice, left everyone and everything we had known for the "good" of Scott's career and the company. Lost our house, our good credit, every thing we had worked for over the past 10 years. We had a good strong marriage but the past 2 years have taken a toll. His health problems over the past 7 months have been rough. He has hurt so much I can't imagine the pain he has been in. In some ways this surgery has been worse than the first in terms of recovery. I have asked more of him than i should. But sometimes I get tired of being the strong one.

for some reason my sister isn't speaking to me. I miss her. Heck I tried to talk to her one night because I was called to the hosptial and needed to talk to someone. she couldn't even pause a TV show to help me. My dad's wife hates me. My own father won't come see me. He talks about how my mom used to be hurt because her parents wouldn't come see them. Says it is too hard and they are too old. I know so many other people who have parents older than him who travel all the time to maintain a relationship with their kids and grandkids.

am I that bad of a person, am I that unloveable? What is wrong with me? I feel like such an outcast. I feel like nothing I do is right for anyone. Why do I try? Even a dog who gets kicked eventually stops going back but I still do. This is my family but I sure don't fee like I am a part of it anymore. I am hurting is so many ways. But no one cares.

new battle with school district.

After playing phone tag for 2 weeks I finally got to talk to someone (Asshole) from district office about getting Drew what he needs. At the beginning of the year he did not meet the educational criteria for the IEP. But thru the year he has gone down hill and is now behind. The principal was questioning retaining him but he will be 7 in May so that is out. Then they talked about summer school but he is in kindergarten and they can't go to summer school. So these indicate to me that there is now a disability problem that his hampering his education. He is PDD NOS, SID, and FAE. When they did the testing they admitted they might have used the wrong tests for Drew given his age.

This jerk today was very condescending and asked what I wanted I explained, a basic IEP so that he could get the help he needed. I wasn't asking for an aide to be with him all day, I just wanted OT, a say in who is teachers would be, extra help with writing etc. I know budgets are tight. He told me given a report that was done over a year ago in NM he was denying services. He admitted he had the info from the neurologist here with Drew's DX but he felt he had to go with what was written a year ago. I went ballistic. I asked for his supervisors name and he refused to give it to me saying I would have to work thru him only. He said it didn't matter if I got to the supervisor because he would get to him first and what ever I said would not matter. He then told me that even tho he wouldn't give Drew an IEP originally he was going to get him an OT consult but because of my attitude he decided against it and would not approve it. I was also told my request for a 504 was denied. So because he doesn't like me he is going to deny services for my son. I can't afford an attorney.

I called the school and told the principal I was requesting an IEE and the request would be on her desk by the end of the day. I told her I was trying to save the district money by trying to get early intervention. by requesting an IEE - Individual Educational Eval - has to be done by an outside person that I get to pick and they have to pay for it would give an un biased opinion of what was going on. The principal told me I could request it but it had to be approved by the district and under the circumstances she didn't see it being approved. I am appealing his IEP denial and asking for the IEE anyway.

I have been in such state all day. What does it take to get him services. IF he doesn't get them now we will be fighting this battle next year any way I can't find an outside OT source because in CA it is to be done thru the school so there is no one to help him. I am ready to go to the newspaper about this whole thing.

The Roller Coaster Continues

Phil was set to sign with the Navy on Tuesday but hit another road block. He is suing the guy who hit in the car wreck 2 years ago. So the Navy can't take him while he has legal things pending.

He is going to his second choice. He has talked to the National Guard. They aren't worried about the litigation. Phil won't be gone long enough for basic and AIT. His attorney will get the trial pushed back to next year if needed. While it is not moms choice it is his. He is giong to layout a semester. He will go to basic this summer and then do his AIT school after that. He is planning on MP training but won't know until next week.

I have found the silver lining in all of this - he qualifies for the special resort at WDW that is for military personell. He can bring us with him. a room is only 93.00!!!!! The resort is on par with the Deluxes at WDW - AKL, Poly, GF. He has given me permission to check in to booking for after Christmas for the 4 of us. It is actually across the road from the Poly and GF. He can actually book up to 6 rooms at that rate. Anyone want to become my sister?

want to start a business

As many know my love of knitting and yarn and fiber has grown over the past few months. I am amazed at what is out there in the world of fiber. I want a part of it. I want to start dyeing my own yarns and roves. I have been researching online stores that do this and I am totally amazed at what is offered. Even mistakes make beautiful yarn. I have been pricing wholesale yarns and have found a wonderful company that makes several lines of dyeable fibers. I have been looking at different methods of dying and can't beleive how many ways there are to dye. From dye kits that can be bought to using easter egg dye all provide different vibrance and subtlty to the yarn. In talking to several other artisians the start up for this kind of business is less than 1000.00. The biggest investment is the start up yarn. They have all told me that they make it back in the first month and their businesses have grown faster than they were orginally prepared for.

I have been told I need a creative outlet. I looked at painting but it wasn't for me. I enjoy knitting but want to take it one step further in being creative. hopefully once scott has is next surgery and we get back on our feet I can take the step I want and go into business for my self. and I think this is the way to do it. I need to research getting an EIN # so I can get things wholesale that way I am able to compete with others. Next step - more research.

dinner last night

I was going to write about this last night but I wanted to post about Annika and her friends instead.

We decided to go out to dinner last night. There was a restaurant we had been wanting to try since we got here. It is called VINCES. It reminds be of Don's in Lawrence only in decor. It sits in teh middle of a field. It looks like the place that Tony Soprano would hold court and then have Paulie dispose of the bodies in the field. It claims to be an Italian restaurant but it was so much more.

I had a steak combo plate. It came with Steak, chicken, prawns, pasta, baked potato, soup or salad, and ice cream. You don't need an appetizer in this place but I do understand their homemade garlic bread is wonderful. It was one of best steaks i had ever eaten. I brought home the chicken, and pasta.

They have a steak for 2 and it is all of the above and also comes with a glass of wine.

Scott had Chcken Procuittio alfredo. He wouldn't share. So I am assuming it was pretty good.

Tuesday is Pizza Night, Thursday is Prime rib, Friday is T-bone Steak (and it is the only night they offer clam chowder.) Sunday the have a brunch.

We were shocked when we got the bill 50.00 for the 3 of us. In California that is a trip to McDonalds. So if you ever venture to see us you can bet this place will be on the tour.

a testiment to friendship

A friend of ours back in Lawrence has been living every parent's nightmare. Their daughter was diagnosed with Cancer a few months ago. The prognosis is good from what I understand. The young lady's father was Phil's home room teacher at Seabury for 5 years and his upper level math teacher. He is a quiet man who lives his life for his family. I can only imagine what a pillar of strength Arnie is being right now on the out side but so worried on the inside.

I found this on the Lawrence Journal World website about Annika's friends who wanted to help. These were some pretty talented kids and the song is amazing. Click on the circle on the left hand side of the page. If you don't shed a tear you have ice water in your veins. Maybe you can find a way to help as well.

They can use all the pixie dust we can send them.

Cathy

http://www2.ljworld.com/news/2009/mar/22/soldier-without-armor-raintree-students-produce-cd/

I screwed up.

I blew it as a mom today. I spoke my mind and wasn't supportive. Phil had been a holding pattern about the Navy. He was waiting for waivers for medical exemptions. I never dreamed he would get them. Today as we were getting ready for the day. He came down plopped in a chair and said "I got the waivers" I don't know if it was how he said it, the timing (the day before he leaves) or what but I said all the wrong things.

Now he thinks I don't support him. He is now trying to figure how to make me happy. As a mom I have so many mixed emotions. I want him happy. I truly do. BUt as a mom I don't want him in harms way. AS a mom all I want to do is keep him in a coccoon for ever. I know that is not possible.

He has shown me that he wants this more than anything. I am proud of his decision. But it hit me that tonight might be my last night with him for a long long time. Inside I am screaming I am proud of you but I am also crying.

A friend whose son is in the NAvy said it was Ok to cry. Good. I seem to be good at that. Not good at saying the right thing, however. My only wish is that he would wait until he got out of college to go in. It is so much better to go in as an Officer. But this is the path he chooses and as such I go as cheerleader, friend, devil's advocate but most importantly mom.

GO FOR IT PHIL. I will always have your back.

MOM

nothing

I have been trying to figure out what to blog about. Nothing seems worth blogging about

This afternoon, Scott was out in the garage and found a music box my grandmother had given me. I had forgotten about it. I opened it and inside were a locket with pics of my grandparents when they were young as well as a small picture of my dad when he was a baby. Made me nostalgic. I went to the gargae and rummaged thru some boxes and found a doll that my grandmother made. It was a replica of her when she was Worthy Matron of Eastern Star, as well as a plate she painted of two little girls walking togheter. Made me think about my sis.

In another box I found my high school memories. Poetry I had written, cards people had given me etc. Looked at the cards and wondered why I kept them. The people who gave them to me now mean nothing to me. Funny how our priorities change. I found the newspaper from my high school that celebrated out graduation. On the front page were pics of the "in" crowd. I talk to many of them on facebook. I keep wondering if they will be mad if I reveal what they looked like in their younger days.

I found my baby book, Phils baby book as well as pics of him as little guy. The memories were intense.

That is about it.

Drew logic

Last night I was working on the computer and Drew walks in.

He told me"Daddy is getting married"
I ask "To who"
Drew " His video game"
Me "Why"
Drew " Because he loves it"
Me "there may be a problem with that - He is already married to me"
Drew "prepared to be dumped."

Another Saturday

you have heard the song - Just Another Manic Monday. Today is Just Another Simple Saturday.

Drew was up at the crack of dawn. His new medicine is helping him sleep better. Since he is getting more rest while he sleeps he is getting up much earlier and in a better mood. Today it was 6:30. Of course he didn't bother Scott. He came to see me. I convinced him to climb up in my bed for a while. finally after an hour of him asking every 10 minutes if it was morning I gave in and got up. At that point it was a MUST HAVE COFFEE moment. Gotta love my Keurig. 45 seconds later a nice big cup of java. Not as good as J& S but the best I could do. (Sarah if you are ever giving away coffee let me know.) AT 830 Scott joined us and at 9 I started breakfast. It was nice to make a family breakfast. Eggs, turkey bacon, potatoes and toast. I miss times like that. All four of us around the table. They are certainly few and far between.

There has been some Saturday morning house cleaning. I have had a couple hours of work for the Yarn Shoppe, mainly computer stuff.

Now to enjoy the day with my family.

C

Fiber

With the fun I have been having at the yarn shop lately, I have become more and more interested in Hand dyed and spun fibers. I have told Scott I want to look into taking a spinning class.

I have found the most incredible site to get hand dyed fibers. Actually PhatFiber supports many artists who spin and dye wool. She has a monthly box that can be bought. I haven't been lucky enough to purchase one They sell out so fast. They are offered one day a a month and when the are gone they are gone.

This week she is having some awesome give aways. Check out Phatfiber.blogspot.com and enter some of her fantastic drawings. I have been able to find yarn at each giveaway site that I am simpling drooling over. Mabe if my ship comes in - or California gives me my tax refund I can grab some before it is gone.

Awesome stuff Phat Fiber.

feeling good

For the first time in a long time I feel good. Not just physically but mentally. It actually worries me because I don't remember feeling like this for a long long time. I am enjoying my work at the Yarn Shoppe. Frank is up and running. I am doing some teaching of classes.

Drew is on a medicine that is making the differnece between night and day. His teacher says the change is remarkable. He is able to do his work, the outside noise doesn't seem to bother him as much. He made it into BEAM Club - Be Excited About Math. He had a series of tasks he had to accomplish over the year - count orally to 75, write his numbers to 30 - with NO reversals, use flash cards to put the numbers 1-30 in order, identify all his coins, and know his shapes - including his 3D shapes - He got it done this week!!!! He gets a special T-shirt and recognition from the Principal. It is a big deal. Once he does his site words for his teacher he will also be in BEAR club - can you guess what it stands for?

Phil is still trying to figure out life. It is Ok at 20 who knew what they wanted to do. Heck I thought I had it figured otu at 25, then again at 34 and now at 41 I am reinventing myself once again. It is a growing process and no one expects him to figure it out all at once. I think what he doesn't realize is that many kids his age don't have it figured out but htey are not smart enough to admit it.

Scott is so ready for his surgery. I worry so much about him. He has good days and bad days. This can't get hear fast enough for all of us.

I am trying not to wait for the other shoe to drop but in the back of my mind I keep expecting it. Guess I just need more
Faith, trust and pixie dust
C

missing teeth

Yesterday was exciting. Drew has had 2 loose teeth. One of them had the other tooth almost all the way in but because of his sensory issues he would not wiggle the baby tooth to get it to fall out. He had an appt for this upcoming Thursday to have it pulled if it hadn't fallen out on its own.

Some how, Drew managed to get the most wiggly tooth lodged behind this other front bottom tooth. It couldn't be moved back. So I had to call the dentist. They managed to get him.

Now the dentist Drew goes to is for kids only. I have tried to talk them in to taking adults - or at least adults who have fears of the adult dentist. Talk about a racket. They have a waiting room filled with games, toys, movies and video games. They also have a patio with a rock climbing wall and bikes and trikes to ride while kids wait. I noticed they even have magazines such as AMerican Cheerleader. Above every station there is a TV secured in the ceiling for the kids to watch while they are getting their teeth cleaned or worked on. They give them headphones to listen to the movies thru. The kids even get sunglasses to wear because of how bright the dentist lights can be. It is quite a production. After the appt if they have no cavities they are issued a certificate of achievement for being in the no cavity club. They get a grab bag of toys, balloons, toothbrush, toothpaste, floss. Plus they get their picture taken and it is put on a magnetic card to take home for the fridge. All I got was a toothbrush and Colgate toothpaste.

So we had this emergency appt. They gave Drew nitrous oxcide before they administed the novicane. The nitrous was "flavored" with bubble gum. He was a riot. He kept saying 3, 2, 1, blastoff and would shove his legs up in teh air. The nurse and I couldn't stop laughing. He was a trooper. They had to pull the front 2 bottom teeth. He walked out of there with 2 balloons, a new airplane and 2 stickers.

It only looks like one tooth is missing because the adult toot on the right was so far in behind the baby tooth.

Then the toothfairy brought him 3 dollars. It cost me 94.00 in copay. Some how I think he got the better end of the deal.

OK I get it. I am not in control

I have always had control issues. I have to be in control. If I can't control it I feel helpless. So in the past week here is a short list of what is not in my control. Phil joining the Navy, Drew finally getting a DX of PDD-NOS and Fetal Alcohol Effect, and the news from Scott's upcoming surgery. They missed some diverticuli and have to remove 4-6 more inches of his colon. so they have to open him up from his sternum to his the bottom edge of his stomach. Recvoery - instead of being 2 weeks- will now be up to 6.

I know I am not in control. I get it God. Now help me get control of my issues of helplessness.

unexpected visit

Phil and one of his frat brothers decided to come out for spring break. I had forgotten about spring break. Drew's spring break isn't until the beginning of April. Funny how priorities change as kids grow. I was so focused on Drew and his spring break I forgot about phil having one.

Anyway the boys decided they needed to go somewhere so here they come. I think this house is just a repository for clothes and to sleep. I know they are headed to San Fran for a day. We are talking about a day at Six flags on Saturday. Phil wants to take Mccomas to In n out burger - west coast must do.

Other than that I am hoping for a quiet few days with phil and getting to know Mccomas.

Edited to add - Phil arrives March 12.

Pixie dust to all
C

Wish I had the guts

I have commented about Phil joining the Navy. The more I read the prouder I become. I tell him that everytime I talk to him.

I have found 2 wonderful support groups who have answered my questions, put me in touch with their sons to answer Phil's questions, give support when I feel overwhelmed. These groups are amazing. They never feel any question is to silly or emotion too ridiculous.

I had someone (non Navy)tell me not to cry in front of Phil. Navy mom's will tell you it is OK 1) because you are proud, scared, terrified, happy, sad. and 2) if you don't let them see the emotion they may feel you are hiding something and then they worry about you when they need to be concentrating on what is really important.

I wish I had the guts to tell all the well meaning people who say - it is just like going away to college, or they have no clue what he is in for or it will be good for him to be taken down a notch to just SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!! We need your support right now. We need you to tell Phil you are proud of him and that no matter what happens you will be there. Don't tell him the horror stories of what someone may tell you. Don't tell me I have my head buried in the sand. I don't. This is my child we are talking about. My first born. I have spent hours on the internet researching, asking questions, taking notes, understanding this new way of life. I have much more to learn but I will learn it for Phil's sake and for my sake.

You may know some one in the army, marines or who was in the NAvy in the past but this is the Navy NOW!!!!! I am in daily contact with women who are living it, Who have kids doing what Phil wants to do, who have washed out of what Phil wants to do, who tell me what to expect every step of the way. these women have given me and my immediate family more support in the past week than you would believe. I have heard from Nuke School mom's, Mom's of DEP's, Mom's of BC, those who just got out of PIR and are headed for Class A, B, or C school. I know the difference between grad and go and a weekend of liberty when he goes thru PIR. I now know the difference between a frigget and an aircraft carrier. I know what to expect when the form letter comes from basic, and that "kid in a box" is not death but all of their belongings they reliquish at boot camp. My cell phone will be come my appendage and the postman will think I am a stalker. I have been told the STar Bangle Banner takes on new meaning. I know to have Phil get a package A for his photos, and that a good graduation gift is in addition to something nice several packages of Hanes extra soft undershirts. The Navy issue ones are very scratchy.

If you know what any of the things above mean then you are a NAvy mom and know how important it is to get and recieve support. If you don't then please don't give even well meaning advice, just tell Phil he can do anything he sets his mind to, that you are proud of him, and Thank You for what he is doing. And for me, just be there when I am missing my kid and need a friend to talk to.

Awesome new product

I have to tell you my friend - All Thumbs aka Lori has an awesome new product review on her website. You have to check it out. it is an earbud detangler.

You have got to check it out. http://allthumbsreviews.blogspot.com/2009/02/tangled-earphone-cords-product-review.html

I look at some of her reviews and think - why didn't I think of that? My earbud for my phone gets tangled as does my Ipod ear bud. These will make it super easy to keep them wound and easy to manage. Make sure you get there to check it out.

And make sure you tell her Cathy Sent ya.

Proud Mom

It has been a roller coaster week. But I have to say I am proud of Phil. My son will soon be a member of the US NAVY. It has taken some getting used to but once I got past the sinking feeling that my son was over his head and didn't know what he was thinking, I realized this was something he needed to do for whatever reason. He has told me for years he wanted to make a difference. I think he found a way to do it.

I have cried tears of fear, tears of joy, tears of being a proud mom.

Now I am sure there will be rants on here about missing him and wondering what he was thinking. I have been reading Navy Mom forums and blogs and have gotten a better idea of what to expect and that has helped so much. I think a lot of my apprehension was fear of the unknown.

Now I know when he goes to basic I will get 3 phone calls if I am lucky. He will only be able to write letters on Sundays. But he will live for mail from all of us. He goes to MEP next week - Military Enlisted Processing. He will take his placement test and that will determine when he will go to basic. Then if he gets his first choice after basic he will head to Goose Creek SC for 18 months of training. At that point he will be assigned a ship(not a boat as I have been corrected way to many times - if it floats it is a boat in my opnion.) He plans on requesting a Pacific home port. He will then spend 6 months at sea and 6 months in his home port for 4 years.

So that is the latest. I will post about our trip to reno tomorrow.

Frank

Let me introduce you to Frank. Frank is my friend. He is a sheep that lives at my favorite yarn shop in Elk Grove. Frank likes to travel. Frank has a big family. Frank will travel and blog about his trip. While he is gone on his excursions his family will fill in. His family is quite unique. There is Percy the Pink Llama, best friends Ebony and Ivory, Frankie the little sister, Teresa (Teri) and her son Rodney, Violet the baby of the family. There are others who will check in from time to time as well.

www.frankthemascot.blogspot.com

Frank already has plans to go to Reno next week, Disney in March, 2 cruises in April, Kansas - we hope in June.

Please follow Frank on his escapades and meet his family. If you ever find yourself in Elk Grove California - stop by the Yarn Shoppe, knit a spell, and meet Frank, his family and friends.

C

Hate being responsible

I HATE being a responsible adult. I hate doing the right thing. But being a responsible adult and trying to set a good example for my kids.

I just canceled both of our trips to Disney. It wasn't that we couldn't afford them I just didn't want to given the current state of the economy.

I found a wonderful deal in Reno for Feb 19-22. total room cost for 3 nights 130.00 Then for Drew to take a ski lesson or two will be about 100.00. The hotel is offering credits for the casino as well as the midway and dining credits. So we will do that and it will be cheaper. Disney for 3 days ticets alone were going to be 450.00. Drew had no idea so we don't have to worry about him being disappointed.

We also decided that instead of flying to Florida for Christmas it would be fiscally more responsible to go to Anaheim. We can do LegoLand, Universal, etc and it will still be cheaper that Disney. And we don't have to pay airfare.

I just have to take my pixie dust in different ways given the economic climate.

Always remember there is pixie dust you just may have to look a little harder sometimes for it.

Cathy