Christmas with Louise

Every year this goes around and it seemed appropriate to share~ I hope no one is offended, as it is meant only in fun. It was submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinner, and won first prize.

I spewed coffee everywhere when I read this. I hope you get a chuckle out of it .


As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart.

I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the carpool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled on 'Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louis's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay, my brother said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny! Hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later, I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home. The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my mother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louis's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.

Why there is no Fibromyalgia day

I promise this my last fibro post for a while.

Nobody could remember when it was.

Nobody could remember the color of the ribbons.

We couldn't find a color ribbon that wasn't used that coordinated with the colors of all the sweats.

The ribbon's pin pushed on a trigger point.

How could there be a day for something that doesn't exist?

Patients with fibromyalgia couldn't fold the ribbon into the proper shape.

Patients with fibromyalgia are too depressed to get out of bed to attend a rally.

Social Security would use our ability to rally as proof of our ability to work.

Everybody kept getting paper-cuts from trying to fold the flyers.

The bags carrying our medications were too heavy to carry.

No one wanted to leave home overnight because they couldn't pack their beds.

Somebody had to hold the planning meeting, and nobody's house was clean enough.

Someone set up a massage booth, and it got so crowded it collapsed. Since everyone was in the booth at the time, nobody was left to rally.

Everyone wanted the bumper sticker, "See, I told you I was sick," but the printer ran out.

There weren't enough Porta-Potties in the state for the folks with Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

The politicians realized the size of the voting block, and the media trucks filled all the parking spots.

Some doctor said, "It's all in your head," but they never found the body.

The booth offering 'Chocolate Diet Pills' ran out in 10 minutes.

The people using TENS units shorted out the Pacific power grid.10 percent of the crowd went into a flare at the same time, and the resulting glow melted the ice caps at both poles.


author unknown