Sunday, April 26, 2009

no place but here

I have to have some place to let it go and this is the only place I have so...

The past 2 years have sucked. Plain and simple. We have been moved twice, left everyone and everything we had known for the "good" of Scott's career and the company. Lost our house, our good credit, every thing we had worked for over the past 10 years. We had a good strong marriage but the past 2 years have taken a toll. His health problems over the past 7 months have been rough. He has hurt so much I can't imagine the pain he has been in. In some ways this surgery has been worse than the first in terms of recovery. I have asked more of him than i should. But sometimes I get tired of being the strong one.

for some reason my sister isn't speaking to me. I miss her. Heck I tried to talk to her one night because I was called to the hosptial and needed to talk to someone. she couldn't even pause a TV show to help me. My dad's wife hates me. My own father won't come see me. He talks about how my mom used to be hurt because her parents wouldn't come see them. Says it is too hard and they are too old. I know so many other people who have parents older than him who travel all the time to maintain a relationship with their kids and grandkids.

am I that bad of a person, am I that unloveable? What is wrong with me? I feel like such an outcast. I feel like nothing I do is right for anyone. Why do I try? Even a dog who gets kicked eventually stops going back but I still do. This is my family but I sure don't fee like I am a part of it anymore. I am hurting is so many ways. But no one cares.


Campbell said...

(Paraphrased from Ephesians 1, the Message, for Cathy, a daughter of the Father)

3-6How blessed is God! And what a blessing he is! He's the Father of our Master, Jesus Christ, and takes CATHY to the high places of blessing in him. Long before he laid down earth's foundations, he had CATHY in mind, had settled on CATHY as the focus of his love, to be made whole and holy by his love. Long, long ago he decided to adopt CATHY into his family through Jesus Christ. (What pleasure he took in planning this!) He wanted CATHY to enter into the celebration of his lavish gift-giving by the hand of his beloved Son.

7-10Because of the sacrifice of the Messiah, his blood poured out on the altar of the Cross, CATHY is a free person—free of penalties and punishments chalked up by all CATHY'S misdeeds. And not just barely free, either. Abundantly free! He thought of everything, provided for everything CATHY could possibly need, letting CATHY in on the plans he took such delight in making. He set it all out before CATHY was in Christ, a long-range plan in which everything would be brought together and summed up in him, everything in deepest heaven, everything on planet earth.

11-12It's in Christ that CATHY finds out who she is and what she is living for. Long before CATHY first heard of Christ and got her hopes up, he had his eye on CATHY, had designs on CATHY for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone.

13-14It's in Christ that you, CATHY, once you heard the truth and believed it (this Message of CATHY'S salvation), found yourself home free—signed, sealed, and delivered by the Holy Spirit. This signet from God is the first installment on what's coming, a reminder that CATHY will get everything God has planned for CATHY, a praising and glorious life.

Cathy said...

Well right now all I feel like is a kicking stone for God.

Campbell said...

He can handle your anger, friend....scream at the top of your lungs that you are WAY PISSED @ HIM....let Him have it with everything you've got...and when you've let go, when you find yourself completely broken, then He can do the marvelous work in your life that has been His plan all along.

Go ahead, Cathy, our God can handle it.