Canes

I wanted a cane that wasn't an old person cane. You know that aluminum/gray one that old women carry. I didn't want that. I am only 43 facing a real bum diagnosis. I can deal with it. From what I can tell it is not a death sentence it is just a life changer - God telling me "Hey time for you to realize you are not in control and you have got to trust and put your Faith in ME." HE will hold me in his hands through this and no matter the outcome He will have my back.

Back to my cane story. I decided that I wanted FUN canes. Canes with personality like me. Quirky, fun, mischievous, daring, happy.... I found a really cool website where I plan on ordering 3 canes from. One is black with flames - like House carries. One is a quad cane that is blue with the moon and stars painted on it. The third is pearlized purple with rhinestones. Due to a monetary slip up. I over paid a bill by 2000.00 and am currently waiting for the refund I can't order them yet.

But I went to CVS and got 2 canes. One is covered in pink roses and the other is brown and black checked. I may go back and see if they can order me one other one I liked but they were out of it at the time.

I have come to the conclusions canes are like purses - you can never have too many.

proud owner of....

My doctor today gave me 3 things. A script for a cane to help with balance, the signed forms for me to go stand in line at the DMV to get a handicap parking pass and an actual appointment time with a specialist to figure out what is wrong with me. It is the end of March but that is better than not having one at all. This specialist picks and chooses his patients based on case history. So him agreeing to take me is the first step.

I know I am facing a lumbar puncture, another MRI, nerve biopsies and who knows what else. My doc thinks he has an idea what this is. I am not a fan of what I have read of his possible diagnosis. Chronic inflammatory demyelinating polyneuropathy. At this point it is just a guess.

It is hard to describe the sensation I feel at times. My arms feel numb and my legs feel like they are being tazed. at times it is an all over feeling of tingling like right now. Like there is a low voltage current running through me. I won't lie I am scared. I know there are treatments to put this in remission.

Just like everything else, God knew me before I was born and picked the path I was to travel. I may not understand why it is but it just is.

SKOOL

I am a homeschool mom. I say it loud and proud. The past 2 years being home and schooling Drew have been remarkable. I have learned a lot. I also learned a lot today.

When I picked up Andrew from school his teacher escorted him to the car. I am thinking "GREAT! is the real Drew finally coming through?" Having a teacher walk your kid to the car is not something you want.

Instead, Mr. Weidel walked to my side of the car and showed me a note that Andrew had slipped to him. All it said was " i licke skool" It spoke volumes.

I have defended home school for the past 2 years and I honestly feel it is the best education most kids can get. But there are exceptions. Drew being one of them. He loves the structure of school. He loves the socialization of school. I will continue to be a home school mom at heart but for now Drew is where he wants and needs to be. I want him to love learning and for him school is where it happens best.

haven't been around

Sorry I haven't been keeping up with my blogging duties. I have many things to talk about but I am finding out people are reading my blog and then using things I say against me within my family. So I have decided to focus on things that don't have to do with my personal life that people can mistrue and get defensive about. That makes me sad because I always felt like this was a safe place for me to talk and if family chose to read it they would realize this was my avenue to vent and talk and exercise my right of free speech, and be myself but I am quite tired of the toxicity within my family right now. Some times family can be as toxic as trying to be perfect. I am tired of people who claim to know me trying to change me. Telling me how to act, how to be what they want me to be, how I was a disappointment to them, that they know more than me on every subject whether they honestly do. But to try and advice them is like entering the center of a hurricane and I become the worst person on earth.

Therefor while I will continue to talk about my kids, becoming Gluten Free, vacations, etc. My private life info is going to be off limits because I have found that I am honestly not free to be me. Censorship is a bad thing It is sad that "family" tends to judge the harshest even when they have no clue what is actually going on in my life. Judgement is not love but then I really wonder what family love and support look like these days.

my motto for the year.

It's a toxic desire to try to be perfect," she says. "I realized later in life that the challenge is not to be perfect. It's to be whole."

Jane Fonda is not one of my favorite people. However, I watched Oprah a few weeks ago and heard Jane say this. It really struck me. As a girl growing up there were expectations on us. Not the same ones from our mother's generation. We were told we were to go to college and get a degree and have a career before family. I messed that one up. I had no real drive when I was in the years 18-23. I got married to escape what I thought at the time was a horrible home life - looking back it was much better than I gave it credit for. I didn't rebel in high school I rebelled later. I got married, had a baby, got divorced, moved in with my parents, got my act together, graduated from Jr. College. Got a job got remarried. Adopted a baby, moved twice because of my husbands job and am now settled in Sacramento California.

There has been lots of reflection on my life in the past few months. Facing MS (and it has not been ruled out), my son entering a new part of his life, giving up homeschooling for something that drew needs. My life has been in constant flux for years.

What Jane Fonda said resonated with me. My whole life I have been trying to be perfect, perfect daughter, perfect friend perfect mom, perfect wife,perfect housekeeper, being the perfect everything to everyone. God knows I was not perfect at any of them. Most I failed miserably at in my younger days.

I was/am so busy trying to be everything to so many people that I have forgotten about me. This year I am going to find out what makes me me and make myself whole. I don't know what that will involve but I know there will be more reflection on what I enjoy, what I am good at, my relationships and which I feel are worth my time and energy. Do I do things because I other people enjoy them and I want to make them happy or am I doing something that full fills me? Am I in school for me or to full full some sort of dream others have so I don't disappoint people any more. I am not sure what "complete" means. That is the question. Stay tuned to find out the answer.

not yet

Yes I know you are all dying for the Disney stuff but you have to wait a few more days. I need a couple days to reflect on other things.

Today Drew went back to brick and mortar school. He loved it. I think he liked the social aspect quite a bit. That was the BIGGEST concern I had about home schooling in the first place. We joined several HS groups but he needed more socialization opportunities.

With his learning issues and anxiety issues he is in a self contained classroom with 8 other kids, a teacher and 3 aides. The plan is to begin to main stream him next year.

It was strange not having Drew around today. I did get lots accomplished. All the Christmas stuff is packed away, Scott and I moved offices, and I got a power nap. It was also very quiet with out him around. I never realized what a large presence he was. Scott and I have decided that Drew will still participate in some HS activities such as International Day, Gold Rush Days, weekend HS trips and our camping trips. That way he can have the best of both worlds.

I still hope to find a way to do Story of the World with him. It is an awesome history series that we both enjoy. I also want to set up a website and have us track Flat Stanley/Stella around the world.

This was one of the most difficult decisions I have made in parenting. I know for now it is where Drew needs to be. I loved our HS time and can't wait for the day we can resume it.

we made it.

we are home. I have tons of pictures to post and stories to tell. We were selected Wilderness Lodge Family of the day and got to raise the flags on the lodge on our last full day. It was amazing. We had a private photog as we did it. The views were amazing. Drew got a blue Mohawk. (pixie dust got to me.) His head is now shaved. We ate too much, spent too much, had more fun that you can imagine. Drew was named artist of the day at the Magic Kingdom and his artwork was displayed at the Disney Art Gallery. I however am paying the price and am having a full blown Fibro flare. I have been flat on my back for 2 days. This is the first day I have been even remotely upright for more than 20 minutes. the pictures will be up in the next few days. And there are stories behind many of them.

Be patient with me. Drew was to start school tomorrow but it has been put off till Thursday due to an emergency with his Program Specialist. Lots of issues that have to be dealt with concerning that as well. I am here and have much to tell and reflect on.