Friday, January 14, 2011

my motto for the year.

It's a toxic desire to try to be perfect," she says. "I realized later in life that the challenge is not to be perfect. It's to be whole."

Jane Fonda is not one of my favorite people. However, I watched Oprah a few weeks ago and heard Jane say this. It really struck me. As a girl growing up there were expectations on us. Not the same ones from our mother's generation. We were told we were to go to college and get a degree and have a career before family. I messed that one up. I had no real drive when I was in the years 18-23. I got married to escape what I thought at the time was a horrible home life - looking back it was much better than I gave it credit for. I didn't rebel in high school I rebelled later. I got married, had a baby, got divorced, moved in with my parents, got my act together, graduated from Jr. College. Got a job got remarried. Adopted a baby, moved twice because of my husbands job and am now settled in Sacramento California.

There has been lots of reflection on my life in the past few months. Facing MS (and it has not been ruled out), my son entering a new part of his life, giving up homeschooling for something that drew needs. My life has been in constant flux for years.

What Jane Fonda said resonated with me. My whole life I have been trying to be perfect, perfect daughter, perfect friend perfect mom, perfect wife,perfect housekeeper, being the perfect everything to everyone. God knows I was not perfect at any of them. Most I failed miserably at in my younger days.

I was/am so busy trying to be everything to so many people that I have forgotten about me. This year I am going to find out what makes me me and make myself whole. I don't know what that will involve but I know there will be more reflection on what I enjoy, what I am good at, my relationships and which I feel are worth my time and energy. Do I do things because I other people enjoy them and I want to make them happy or am I doing something that full fills me? Am I in school for me or to full full some sort of dream others have so I don't disappoint people any more. I am not sure what "complete" means. That is the question. Stay tuned to find out the answer.

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