Friday, November 07, 2008

on edge

I feel like I am about to explode. I don't know why I am so edgy but I feel like a powder keg ready to go KABOOOOOMMMMM. and heaven help who ever is on the other end. Every little thing that anyone does makes me jumpy.

My shoulders are killing me. I am not sleeping. Me who has always loved to talk on the phone hates to hear it ring lately. I just want to be left alone. i want no responsibility for a while.

Yeah, I know that is not about to happen. I refuse to feel guilty about having everyone eat leftovers tonight. I refuse to feel guilty that all I want is a bath in my tub and no noise. I refuse to feel guilty that I want my husband to take responsibility for taking care of his wound and ostomy. I refuse to feel guilty. PERIOD. If he can take a conference call when he is not to be working than he can go get his own left overs. i have been at his beck and call for a month now and I am tired and DONE. All I want to do is get in my car and drive to Tahoe or Reno. Maybe come back maybe not - who knows.

I thank my dad and MIL for their moral support but it is time that Scott start to accept some of the responsibilty. I can't come to his office everytime he needs something when he is released to go tot he office. He has to be prepared. I have done all the men in my life a big disservice by being there 24/7 since Drew was born.

I keep asking my friends when it is my turn. Guess what my turn is now.

1 comment:

Campbell said...

Don't just say it, babe, live it. You are right-it is time for the men in your life to figure it out, beginning with your husband. You have allowed the codependent relationships over the past several years...and you are the only one who can break the cycle. You have the strength to do it-you do. But you cannot do it alone-get connected with a church family, a support group, a REAL LIFE REAL PEOPLE IN PERSON group that can physically support you in this change of life that needs to happen in order for you to remain sane.

If it means that you move into the guest room for awhile, just to have a space that is for YOU ALONE, then do it! Take the drive to Tahoe or Reno. Get lost in the yarn store for a whole day. Do whatever you need to do FOR YOU!!!

I love you-no more excuses, no more enabling behavior from you-if I hear them from you I will ask you what you propose to do to change the situation. It is time for you to make the change and to stick with it, for YOUR good and YOUR health and YOUR peace of mind.

anna