thought for the day

The road of life has so many twists and turns and obstacles, it is good to have family and friends to help us navigate the difficult ones and celebrate the good ones.

Canes

I wanted a cane that wasn't an old person cane. You know that aluminum/gray one that old women carry. I didn't want that. I am only 43 facing a real bum diagnosis. I can deal with it. From what I can tell it is not a death sentence it is just a life changer - God telling me "Hey time for you to realize you are not in control and you have got to trust and put your Faith in ME." HE will hold me in his hands through this and no matter the outcome He will have my back.

Back to my cane story. I decided that I wanted FUN canes. Canes with personality like me. Quirky, fun, mischievous, daring, happy.... I found a really cool website where I plan on ordering 3 canes from. One is black with flames - like House carries. One is a quad cane that is blue with the moon and stars painted on it. The third is pearlized purple with rhinestones. Due to a monetary slip up. I over paid a bill by 2000.00 and am currently waiting for the refund I can't order them yet.

But I went to CVS and got 2 canes. One is covered in pink roses and the other is brown and black checked. I may go back and see if they can order me one other one I liked but they were out of it at the time.

I have come to the conclusions canes are like purses - you can never have too many.

November 9

I look at the issues we are having with Drew and I get so frustrated. Then I watch the news and realize how blessed I truly am.

Enough said.

Something good

When I was growing up my dad used to wake up my sister and I by coming into our room and loudly proclaiming "SOMETHING GOOD IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO YOU TODAY - YOU JUST HAVE TO FIND IT" It was always a positive way to start the day. It might be something small like some cute guy smiling at me or something important like an A on a paper. It was my dad's way of always making us learn that even in the chaos of the storm there was always something that could make a day special.

With all the chaos in my life right now - the waves are all around and I am sitting in the boat being still - remembering He is God. At the same time I am cognizant of the small things that make every day special.

back

The past few weeks have been very emotional in our house. We got a new diagnosis for Drew. They think we are looking at childhood onset bipolar. It does explain a lot of things. But to hear them actually say it was devastating. I cried for 2 days. But I realized it could be a lot worse and moved forward. However after 2 melt downs one that almost caused us to call 911 to have him admitted to the hospital several things became apparent. One I can no longer home school Andrew. That breaks my heart. Maybe in a couple years we will try again but now he needs the structure of a special class room. I just am unable at this time to give Drew what he needs to be successful.

Secondly, I realized how hard the last 3 years have been on me. We moved to ABQ, Phil was in a horrific wreck and had to have surgery. Then Scott had a perforated colon and 2 pulmonary embolisms. He survived 2 surgeries and recovered. Then as he was getting ready for his first bike race after that event he was hit by a car and had a broken collar bone. That didn't heal right and requires surgery 6 months later.

For the last 3 years I have focused on everyone but me. That is the way I am but now I am tired, hollow, empty, lonely, and just plain exhausted. I broke last night. I cried for 3 hours. It all just came out. I cried for all that had changed - as far back as my mom being sick, losing her and my grandparents, the changes in my dad, the relationship with my sister the list goes on. It was a mouring of sorts.

I have spent today pretty much on my bed doing home work, sleeping, thinking and just being by myself.

I started looking at random blogs and saw that many people were taking the month of November to blog daily about what they are thankful for. It got me to change my way of thinking. I should not be having a pity party so I resolve for the next month I will do just that. Everyday talk about something I am thankful for. God has blessed our family in so many ways. My husband is still alive, my son is about to graduate from college, my younger son can be managed with medication and lots of teaching by those more qualified than me.

A friend whose blog I follow annonomously had this song on her blog today. And I think it is a good place for me to start.

Cathy

after much discussion

As you know we put Drew on Ritalin this past week for ADHD. The side effects have been horrenduous. I WANT MY LITTLE BOY BACK!!!!!

Last night was the worst. He was having massive anxeity attacks and there was no calming him down. My heart was breaking. His doctor was out of town and the on call doc was no help. I had been thinking for a couple weeks that Drew's personality had been changing and I was questioning the "wisdom" of all the doctors. After yesterday and Scott and I talking long into the night we have decided there has to be a better well to help Andrew. I am calling both his peditriican and his Neurologist tomorrow and telling them we are weaning him off all meds. In a couple months AFTER all meds are out of his system we will re assess what we feel is the right course of treatment - if any for Drew. We think the Ritalin was the culprit for the anxeity attacks but we think it was in conjunction with other meds.

We are taking control of this and not the docs. Some of the drugs have not been tested on kids - they are what is called off label. So we have no idea what they are doing to him. I am wondering if the twitching is a side effect of one or a combo of the drugs.

I know we may be in for a rough couple weeks but for Drew we have to do what we were meant to do as his parents. We have to do what we feel is best and right now it is to get him off all the poisons and let his body figure out what it needs.

A mother knows or right decision or give them wings.

When Phil called to tell me he wanted to come out here I was excited but hesitant. I had a feeling he was making a rash decsion based on some feelings of being scared and lonely. Everytime we talked, there he never seemed sure about his decision. I kept telling him it was his decision to make. He was an adult and I couldn't make it for him. I knew this was hard on him. On one hand he had a dream to be in the medical field - on the other hand he didn't want to leave all he knew for the unknown. (good thing he didn't have to come to America from a foreign country in the early 1900's or go west in the 1800's)

I have held my excitement in check pretty well.

Today I knew why. He called this morning and we had a fight. the next thing I knew he was saying he wasn't sure he wanted to move. I felt he was using the fight as an excuse to change his mind. I finally let it drop and told him once again this was for him to figure out. i could advise but not make the final decision for him.

He told me tonight that his Aunt Amie surprised him today. He figured she would be totally against him moving here. But she was able to give him some insight from the Greek point of view. It made him realize several things. Things he needed to change about himself and about his situation.

Then, he had a talk with his friend Cody. He admitted to Cody the real reason he was moving to CA. Cody made a little pact with him. He has told Phil, if that the reason he was coming out here was because of wanting to get a fresh start to go to med school ,he would make it his mission to ensure that Phil did what he needed to do at Washburn to get it done. (Cody - we will talk someday - you robbed me of my live in babysitter)

I knew deep down that if the decsion was that hard for Phil to make, coming out here was NOT the right decision. Tonight Phil and I had a heart to heart. I told him that I knew him better than anyone- better than he knew himself. It is a mom thing. As hard as it was and with tears in my eyes, I gave Phil wings today. I told him he needed to stay in Topeka and get it done there. It would have been so easy to rescue him. To let him come here and take the easy way. but that is not what he needed. Amie knew that. I knew that but didn't want to admit it. I sometimes forget he is a man and I need step back more often and let him fly. If he falls that is when I need to open the nest door not before his wings expand. Otherwise he will know never know how high he can truly soar. Eagles will be beneath him if he is given the chance. Thanks to my sis for seeing his true potential

She gets an extra dose of Pixie Dust today. Thanks Amie.

C

What are we doing

Here it is 3AM and I can't sleep. Nothing new there but tonight I have lots on my mind. We thought Sacarmento was a done deal. Guess not. Even tho the management in Sac offered one salary the higher ups said no. We can't do it on what they offered. I have spent lots of time in prayer the past few days because in my heart something wasn't right. I asked for some guidance. Everything has been shown that we should stay here. The salary, the ABQ office wanting Scott to stay and offering ways to keep us here. We have our church and our friends here. When the salary came back to low that was the answer I was looking for. Scott doesn't want to hear the answer. He keeps looking for ways to go to Sacramento. He asked the Denver office if they would be willing to have him in Sacramento heading up the water resourses division. Keith said it was something to talk about but he was on vacation until June 9. Scott doesn't take vacations and when he does he is constantly on his computer or crackberry working. To me a vacation is turning everything off and being with us.

We got the house issues taken care of yesterday. that was a huge monkey off my back. In my mind and heart we need to stay here continue to repair the credit once again and in a year look for a house.

I can't take much more of this roller coaster. God has revealed his plan. We just need to stop and listen.

Back to school and forgiveness

I go back to school today. I am up doing homework for my corresponse classes. I am only on campus 2 days a week this sememster. It has been a rough 24 hours. Well let me back up to Sunday. We have finally found a church we like. It is very modern and upbeat. the pastor is great. It is not a Mega church but it is well attended. Pastor Todd has been doing a great series on "resigning" a few weeks ago it was about resigning your fiances and taking control, 2 weeks about resiging guilt. Sunday it was resigning forgiveness and letting it go. Who have you locked in a prison because you have felt they have done you wrong. I can say I have, and if you are honest with yourself you would say the same thing.

Drew had to have a medical procedure yesterday and tomorrow has to see another specialist. Scott and i got thru it but it was rough on all involved. I walk out of the hospital when it is over with my cell phone ringing. It is Phil saying "Hi mom, I have surgery Friday AM." This was not unexpected. This is on his knee from his wreck this summer. It has gotten progressively worse. My former MIL who is one who has forgiven me and I forgave her years ago who is taken charge of this. She will be with Phil and he will stay with her when the surgery is over.

I called her yesterday afternoon and was getting the scoop on the surgery. Phil didn't understand about how to give all the insurnace paperwork. So Peg was telling me to call and get it straitened out so we didn't have a mess later. the Billing person at the single day surgery said that they have lots of kids from Washburn who go thru this and if someone doesn't step in and deal with the insurnace it causes trouble later on. They were very grateful I was on top of this one.

Anyway I regress. During our talk I was telling her about our new church and how wonderful it is and how we enjoy it. I was telling her about the sermon from this past week and she made a comment that has had me thinking all night. "just because you forgive someone and set them free from the prison you have them locked in - doesn't mean you were wrong. In other words forgive everyone whether you feel you were right or wrong. Life is to short to lock those who have hurt you in a prison. Once you release them you release your self to live your life.

Faith trust pixie dust
Cathy

What a day!!!!

boy am I tired. I was up at 5:30. No, not to help Santa unload presents. I couldn't sleep. I was excited. Excited to see the wonder and mystery in Drew's eyes when he came down the staircase to the land of conspicuous consumptation that awaited the family. I took the time before he woke up to light the tree, have several cups of coffee (the first alone - the rest with my mother in law).

With the first one I thought of Christmas past. I remembered the wonderment that Drew would feel when he came down stairs. I remembered the meals my mom fixed and my whole family came to join in. It is where I learned what being a "Wolff" was all about.

At this point my MIL joined me. She knew this Christmas was hard. I was away from my dad and sister and missing my mom something terriable. i just ached for her this year. ML started talking to me about what it was like growing up in my family. I told her about the big family get toghethers at the Cork Club with my parents, grand parents, Great Aunts, their husbands and families. I told her about the thanksgivings up at my cousin Kay's farm. It is at these events I think I really learned about family. There was a comraderie that I will never forget. It was the sharing of meals,(stealing sips of grandma's fruity alcholic drinks) listening to the older generations talk of people I never met but somehow they made me feel connected to had come before me.

ML and I then talked about Gib and my mom. Gib was ML's husband. He passed away before Scott and I were married. We talked about what role they would have had in Drew's life. We then started talking about Drew the hand God had in bringing him to us. Knowing that Drew was a special boy who would need lots of love, understanding, and patience that his birthmother would never be able to give him. I find it ironic that his given name was Gabriel and his birhtmother's name was Angel. We talked about how Drew's birth and what some would call coincidence (I call God) brought him to us.

We then talked about the day Phil would become a father and Scott and I grandparents. boy that was an interesting talk. We talked about what kind of a grandfather Scott would be. You can only imagine what we said. We talked about how Phil will be a great father raising his children with the love and understanding that we raised Phil with. I wondered out loud if I would be able to instill in them the sense of family that was passed on to me from future generations. I hope so. This part of the conversation reminded me of a toast my mom or dad used to say on Christmas Eve as we all raised our glass.

"To those who came before, those present today, and those yet to come.

I hope everyone had a magical and memorable holiday with the ones you love.

Here is wishing you faith, hope and pixie dust

Cathy